In A Nutshell

I know many of you already know this stuff...but I will record it for the sake of recording it.

In a nutshell.  Our home in SoCal sold.  We moved to Utah.  Jeff started his new job with Deseret Book which means NO MORE WORKING ON SUNDAYS!  Truly an answer to many many prayers.  Settled into our new home.  Love the area, the mountains, the neighbors, the church, being close to family, having a happy husband, and many more things!  I have really enjoyed this winter and the true change of seasons that brings color to the trees and snow to the ground.  Spring is here, my tulips are rising and I am happy to be entering a refreshing time of life. 

January we were met with the challenge of our 3rd baby returning to her Heavenly Home a little earlier than expected.  I was 17 weeks pregnant when I found out on a truly beautiful winter morning that I can still picture in my minds eye, that our baby had no heartbeat.   We do have 3 beautiful and healthy girls.  This is the 3rd second trimester miscarriage that we have experienced.  Though with the first two we didn't find out the babies had passed until around 20 weeks.  Because they were monitoring me weekly this time, we found out @ 17 weeks.  It was determined the baby had passed just a few days before. 

Each time we have delivered our little ones has been a challenge.  The autopsy on this last one determined that it was a Girl, even though we initially thought it was a Boy.  So, I have 2 boys and 1 girl in heaven.  I feel close to them.  I feel their spirits nearby and sense that they are very much a part of our family.  Spencer Mark (Mar 2007), Evan Riley (Oct 2009), Carole Lynn (Jan 2011).  They have things to do on the other side.  I am okay with that.  I wondered with the first loss, and have thought of it since, if these babies would consider me their Mother, and I truly feel like they do.  I don't feel the need to get pregnant again any time soon.  There are other things to focus on in the mean time.  I trust that I will be inspired to know when to try again... and honestly I am to the point that if it ends in another miscarriage, I will be fine.  If I get to raise the baby here on earth I will love that and treasure that gift.  I've been to a place of pain and sorrow and come out of it 3 times.  I still here.  I am okay.  I will survive and thrive regardless of the experiences of loss that might still be in my future.  I am grateful to have faith in Christ.  I know that it is His loving and tender mercies that give me the strength to look at life and the pains of life and know that I am still going to be okay. 

I have been working on a blog/website with my sister, Allison, for the last 6 months called The Clothing Co-op.  It has been fun and a way to use my creativity and ideas.

I have been studying and soon will be going to training for the Simply Healed Method by Carolyn Cooper.  I am VERY excited for the things I will learn there and the many things I am learning now as I read many many books on the Healing Arts.  I hope to blog more about that in the future. 

I started my T-Tapp journey back in August 2010.  Went on a break for my pregnancy and after my loss started up again with a vengence!  I keep a blog on these exercise experiences at Everyday Exercise Therapy.

I continue to Homeschool my 2nd grader and Kindergartner.  We are having great experiences and learn and teach each other everyday!

Jeff and I get to team teach the 6/7 year olds in Primary at church.  It is a lot of fun to teach together and see how smart these kids are.  We are blessed to be their teachers.

Eliza is one creative soul.  Building new things, coloring, creating forts.  She thinks big and enjoys life.  She even thinks that she doesn't have chores at her house, because some how everything I ask her to do doesn't seem to be a chore or a job.  I like that!

Norah just learned to ride her bike last week with NO training wheels.  She loves the freedom of it.  She is picking up on the whole reading thing very well.  It is so fun to see her quiet maturity.

Zoe is Zoe.  She still has a paci, and does a pretty good job communicating with it still in her mouth.  She likes to say things like, "Ya Ya (Eliza) is both meh meh meh me." (bothering me)  And, "I'm Home!"  and "Where you been?" and loves everything Princess.  She changes her clothes over 10x a day, mostly into different dresses.  She never wants to be left out of the fun and often is found wrestling her big sisters.

Yes, that is my life in a Nutshell.

UPDATE!!!

Good things are happening!

We are currently selling our home and moving. Where to? That is a question I ask myself everyday. But, we will be moving. My heart is set on Utah. For a lot of reasons. I never ever thought of myself living there, but at this point, most of my family is there and I am tired of being so far from family.

We'll have to find out where we are moving before Sep 6, as that is the date the bank has set for our sale to be completed by. Why is the bank deciding this? Well, we are one of the ones who bought when the market was almost peaking here in SoCal. We bought Dec 2004 and it all went downhill Jun 2006. (Amazing to see those dates and realize what we have gone through since then.) I will post numbers and information here, hoping that our experience might be helpful for others going through anything similar.

We bought our 1875sf home in 2004 for 365k. We started a loan modification process through Pres. Obama's Making Homes Affordable program. (I thought this might be the only thing I really benefited from from Pres. Obama's Presidency, which turns out didn't really benefit me.) We'll, 6 months later we found out that the bank denied our Loan Modification, upon the grounds of insufficient information and that our hardship wasn't supported. Well that got my blood boiling, because I would call EVERY month to make our modified payment and asked if they needed more information from me, and they never did. We started our Mod payments in December and apparently they knew in Jan, but never told us, that we would be denied. So we payed up till May when the notified us and then had to make some relatively quick decisions on what to do with our house. We decided to Short Sale the place, our realtor had a buyer all set and we signed the offer for 165k! 200k less than what we originally paid. This will affect our credit about 50 pts. and maybe a little more for each late payment which for us will come to 3 months of LP.

We stopped paying our mortgage to be able to save money to move into a rental. We were told it would take 2-3 months before the bank would approve the short sale, which we were ok with. Now, flash forward 3 weeks. We found out we were approved and would have to complete the sale by September 6th. Currently we are in escrow with this buyer and last week received notice from the bank (BofA) that they are NOW approving our loan modification. What a joke! But we will consider it for the next few days as we have to decide whether to accept their Modification terms before Aug 2, really before July 30th so they can receive the Docs before Aug 2.

I have looked at places to rent closer to Jeff's work, but who knows how long he will remain there. It puts us in a bit of a pickle as far as leasing a house. People want a 12month lease and we aren't sure we want to stick it out that long in good ol' Cali.

Jeff has a job prospect in Utah, so currently we are holding out on word from that place before we have to make final decisions.

Part of me is sad to sell the house, but the opportunity for greater financial security really outweighs the benefits of this house for me. We will have to wait 2-3 years they say before we could get a FHA loan again.

There are certain impressions I have had, but part of me holds my breath when I think of those, because I wonder how much of those thoughts and feelings are just me vs. the Holy Ghost. But, at this point, I will trust those feelings and move forward. It can't hurt. I have overcome disappointment in the past and will continue to deal with an adjustment of expectations in my future. It is part of the experience of life.

So, I am sure my next post will provide you all the answers to the burning questions you have about the Bartmess Drama. I wouldn't mind knowing some answers myself!

The Sun Will Always Rise

I am looking to the future.

I find the imagery of the sun so helpful in describing our life over these last months. I am glad to welcome Spring after Winter.

Many of you have asked when I might update my blog because you know my last post was to announce that we were to have a baby this month. Many of you also know the details on how that didn't happen. I don't know if this is the place to go into that, but I will explain briefly what has come of that. Monday, Oct 12, 2009 we went in for our 20 week ultrasound to find our baby no longer had a heartbeat. As we have been through this before, sadly, we went about our day as planned and the next morning checked into the hospital to induce labor and delivery of our baby boy, Evan Riley Bartmess born Oct 14th.

Riley seems to have passed away around 17 weeks of age. Since this is the second time something of this kind has happened to us at the same stage in pregnancy and both times to our boys, we have done numerous tests to determine a cause, if any. Our Chromosomes are both normal. My blood work came back all normal. We have been left with no scientific answer to this experience.

The last 5 months have been a very interesting experience in understanding the mourning process and that it is different EVERY time. I have my rock of a husband who holds on in Faith and wonderful friends and family who have been my sounding board and never once made me feel like I should be "over" this. It has been a bit challenging to have close family and friends be pregnant and due around the same time I was to be. Sometimes I needed my space and they gave it to me and sometimes I just took my space to be distant from them. Thank you for your patience with me and being true friends, allowing for me to feel what ever I might have felt.

Riley's due date, March 6th has come and past. As also has March 17th, the date of our Spencer Mark's birth. I am in a better place now and we are considering putting ourselves onto the roller coaster of pregnancy again, God-willing.

Jeff continues to work for Target. He puts in long hours and makes the best of something that he feels isn't best-suited for him. We continue to look for work elsewhere that might allow us to live closer to family and not have to work Sundays. Today I heard the story of the people of Alma who were in bondage. (Mosiah 24) How the Lord didn't deliver them from their bondage, but made their burdens to be light. I feel the Lord has done that for us, and I look forward to the time of deliverance.

Our Girls are growing strong and happy. Eliza and I are learning so much doing home school together. Norah is so independent and content and curious. Zoe is true to her name and likes to be the life of the party and the loudest in our home.

I keep busy with my calling in the Stake RS, (which I enjoy soooo much) with home school and all the other trillion jobs a SAHM has. I am content in this present moment.

Sure there are many things that try to throw me off my groove. Like someone breaking into our car and stealing the DVD player Screen. Or, hit and runs in the parking lots, or lost mail and house keys and broken deadbolts, or a late night call to the plumber when water starts coming up my sinks and tubs. All the things that cost a bit more dinero. I throw a quick pity party for 5 minutes, then take some deep breaths and the let it go and get to work.

I appreciate certain friends who have stepped up in my life and been my mother/sister/grandma and some all three at once, when I am so far from my family.

So I say I love the imagery of the sun, because 1) The sun is always shinning somewhere on the earth---There are good things happening all the time 2) I know that when the sun goes down, that it will rise again---hold on, the light will come. 3) It provides enough Vitamin D for me to not fall into depression. ;-)

Good times are only a sunrise away.

BABY #4

We are excited to announce the coming of baby #5, or Really #4 depending on how you look at it. Baby is due March 6, 2010. I am currently 14 weeks along. We would LOVE to have a little guy to temper the mood swings of all these girls, but a healthy baby will be just fine. Jeff, as always wants to wait to the END to find out the Pink or Blue. He is the Father, so I will go along, though I totally wouldn't mind "accidentally" seeing something on the Ultrasound screen here in a few weeks.

The girls are all very excited and constantly ask me to get the baby out "today". They finally understand to wait till at least after Christmas.

Jeff is very busy with work and as always continues to look for other opportunities. If you know people in the Retail Management Business...TOTALLY hook us up!

We have started Homeschool for Eliza (1st grade) and Norah (K4) It is fun, challenging and they are excited, which is the best part. We can normally get everything done in about 2 hours and have another 30 min in the Evening of worksheets. My current Plan is M/T/Th/F School and W Field Trip days because Jeff is usually off those days and can go with us someplace special. Zoe is the one I have to balance the most to make sure she gets her Morning nap in while we are hitting the books. :)

I am still consulting for SimplyFun, just not as aggressively as I was this summer. I do LOVE the games and products. They are so Fun, Family Friendly and Educational. Make sure you check out my website to find some awesome gifts for family/friends for the coming Holidays! tbartmess.simplyfun.com

We are headed out to go camping this next week. Our first Real Camping trip with all our own stuff. Excited is an understatement. 3 days at the Beach and a lot of fun memories.