Sunday, March 21, 2010
I am looking to the future.
I find the imagery of the sun so helpful in describing our life over these last months. I am glad to welcome Spring after Winter.
Many of you have asked when I might update my blog because you know my last post was to announce that we were to have a baby this month. Many of you also know the details on how that didn't happen. I don't know if this is the place to go into that, but I will explain briefly what has come of that. Monday, Oct 12, 2009 we went in for our 20 week ultrasound to find our baby no longer had a heartbeat. As we have been through this before, sadly, we went about our day as planned and the next morning checked into the hospital to induce labor and delivery of our baby boy, Evan Riley Bartmess born Oct 14th.
Riley seems to have passed away around 17 weeks of age. Since this is the second time something of this kind has happened to us at the same stage in pregnancy and both times to our boys, we have done numerous tests to determine a cause, if any. Our Chromosomes are both normal. My blood work came back all normal. We have been left with no scientific answer to this experience.
The last 5 months have been a very interesting experience in understanding the mourning process and that it is different EVERY time. I have my rock of a husband who holds on in Faith and wonderful friends and family who have been my sounding board and never once made me feel like I should be "over" this. It has been a bit challenging to have close family and friends be pregnant and due around the same time I was to be. Sometimes I needed my space and they gave it to me and sometimes I just took my space to be distant from them. Thank you for your patience with me and being true friends, allowing for me to feel what ever I might have felt.
Riley's due date, March 6th has come and past. As also has March 17th, the date of our Spencer Mark's birth. I am in a better place now and we are considering putting ourselves onto the roller coaster of pregnancy again, God-willing.
Jeff continues to work for Target. He puts in long hours and makes the best of something that he feels isn't best-suited for him. We continue to look for work elsewhere that might allow us to live closer to family and not have to work Sundays. Today I heard the story of the people of Alma who were in bondage. (Mosiah 24) How the Lord didn't deliver them from their bondage, but made their burdens to be light. I feel the Lord has done that for us, and I look forward to the time of deliverance.
Our Girls are growing strong and happy. Eliza and I are learning so much doing home school together. Norah is so independent and content and curious. Zoe is true to her name and likes to be the life of the party and the loudest in our home.
I keep busy with my calling in the Stake RS, (which I enjoy soooo much) with home school and all the other trillion jobs a SAHM has. I am content in this present moment.
Sure there are many things that try to throw me off my groove. Like someone breaking into our car and stealing the DVD player Screen. Or, hit and runs in the parking lots, or lost mail and house keys and broken deadbolts, or a late night call to the plumber when water starts coming up my sinks and tubs. All the things that cost a bit more dinero. I throw a quick pity party for 5 minutes, then take some deep breaths and the let it go and get to work.
I appreciate certain friends who have stepped up in my life and been my mother/sister/grandma and some all three at once, when I am so far from my family.
So I say I love the imagery of the sun, because 1) The sun is always shinning somewhere on the earth---There are good things happening all the time 2) I know that when the sun goes down, that it will rise again---hold on, the light will come. 3) It provides enough Vitamin D for me to not fall into depression. ;-)
Good times are only a sunrise away.