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Sunday, March 21, 2010

The Sun Will Always Rise

I am looking to the future.

I find the imagery of the sun so helpful in describing our life over these last months. I am glad to welcome Spring after Winter.

Many of you have asked when I might update my blog because you know my last post was to announce that we were to have a baby this month. Many of you also know the details on how that didn't happen. I don't know if this is the place to go into that, but I will explain briefly what has come of that. Monday, Oct 12, 2009 we went in for our 20 week ultrasound to find our baby no longer had a heartbeat. As we have been through this before, sadly, we went about our day as planned and the next morning checked into the hospital to induce labor and delivery of our baby boy, Evan Riley Bartmess born Oct 14th.

Riley seems to have passed away around 17 weeks of age. Since this is the second time something of this kind has happened to us at the same stage in pregnancy and both times to our boys, we have done numerous tests to determine a cause, if any. Our Chromosomes are both normal. My blood work came back all normal. We have been left with no scientific answer to this experience.

The last 5 months have been a very interesting experience in understanding the mourning process and that it is different EVERY time. I have my rock of a husband who holds on in Faith and wonderful friends and family who have been my sounding board and never once made me feel like I should be "over" this. It has been a bit challenging to have close family and friends be pregnant and due around the same time I was to be. Sometimes I needed my space and they gave it to me and sometimes I just took my space to be distant from them. Thank you for your patience with me and being true friends, allowing for me to feel what ever I might have felt.

Riley's due date, March 6th has come and past. As also has March 17th, the date of our Spencer Mark's birth. I am in a better place now and we are considering putting ourselves onto the roller coaster of pregnancy again, God-willing.

Jeff continues to work for Target. He puts in long hours and makes the best of something that he feels isn't best-suited for him. We continue to look for work elsewhere that might allow us to live closer to family and not have to work Sundays. Today I heard the story of the people of Alma who were in bondage. (Mosiah 24) How the Lord didn't deliver them from their bondage, but made their burdens to be light. I feel the Lord has done that for us, and I look forward to the time of deliverance.

Our Girls are growing strong and happy. Eliza and I are learning so much doing home school together. Norah is so independent and content and curious. Zoe is true to her name and likes to be the life of the party and the loudest in our home.

I keep busy with my calling in the Stake RS, (which I enjoy soooo much) with home school and all the other trillion jobs a SAHM has. I am content in this present moment.

Sure there are many things that try to throw me off my groove. Like someone breaking into our car and stealing the DVD player Screen. Or, hit and runs in the parking lots, or lost mail and house keys and broken deadbolts, or a late night call to the plumber when water starts coming up my sinks and tubs. All the things that cost a bit more dinero. I throw a quick pity party for 5 minutes, then take some deep breaths and the let it go and get to work.

I appreciate certain friends who have stepped up in my life and been my mother/sister/grandma and some all three at once, when I am so far from my family.

So I say I love the imagery of the sun, because 1) The sun is always shinning somewhere on the earth---There are good things happening all the time 2) I know that when the sun goes down, that it will rise again---hold on, the light will come. 3) It provides enough Vitamin D for me to not fall into depression. ;-)

Good times are only a sunrise away.


Mary Kelly said...

You are amazing! Such strength and faith. Thank you for the update. We love you and your darling family. Will we get to see you at the Weiss reunion this summer (I hope! I hope!)?

Amber said...

I needed to read this tonight Tam. You are an inspiration to me and I am constantly amazed at your faith and perseverance. I guess we all have things in life that we don't have or get or are stolen away from us, and yet we keep moving forward with hope for the sun to rise. . . and for the record, you can move in with me anytime that you want! And even if you don't move in maybe you could just come stay for awhile!? I have a basement that would be perfect for school with the girls. Full of books and all kinds of "schoolish" items that aren't being used.

Bottom line. . . . lets catch up! :) I love you!

Maia said...

This was beautiful Tamarah!!!

Lots of Love,

Mike and Laurel said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Tamarah. I know what you are feeling, in more ways than one. Our babies had the same due date. But their fate was the same. I lost mine at 17 weeks. I was unprepared for the grieving process. Reading your blog was inspiring. Thanks for your strength. We just found out that we're expecting again, and I'm a mess of worry! Good luck to you and your family!

Mel said...

I am so sorry to hear of the sadness and heartbreak you and your family have experienced. Hang in there! I loved your analogy of the sun....I am glad that you see the sun more down there then up here :). Keep holding'll be in our thoughts!

Holley Williamson said...

I know that post was hard for you, but it was nice to hear your thoughts. Know that you are loved :)

Angela said...

Wow...what a beautiful post. You never cease to amaze me, Tam, with your strong testimony and your neverending optimism. I know that this has been a difficult time for you. Know that I love you and that I am only a phone call away...if you ever need anything!!! Thank you, Hermana, for being a hero in my eyes! I love you, for it!

Jill Duncan said...

Tamarah I'm SOOOO sorry about what happened. You are such a strong and amazing person. I'm grateful for your friendship, and hope that the next few months can be a little better for you guys. We love you guys.

Tyler and Heather Kimball said...

I love you so much Tamarah! I feel so grateful that I know you and that I can continue to learn from you.

rbkeizer said...

I Love you and miss you Tam!!! Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts...You are a huge tower of strength and a great example to many - especially me! :-) Hope to see you soon! Say hi to Jeff for me.

jeanette said...

I love knowing you and seeing your faith as a missionary, and then hearing and feeling it 10 years later (crazy time warp!). Thanks for your gift of testimony to all around you.